The Daily Spectacle

I had a nightmare that was unusually vivid. I remember that the people involved in it were my friends, N, S. M and K. I had no idea why K was there but he was sitting on a couch (in someone’s living room) along with my other friends. Apparently, we were watching some television show and I felt M’s arm around my shoulder. I could feel that he put his arms there and it irritated the hell out of me. So I turned to him and said angrily that he should remove his hand. I then went on a diatribe of telling him that I was not and never will be interested in him in that way. He looked taken a back and I remember going into a different room and locking myself there. I then heard fighting like loud arguing voices and I assumed that it was S and M. It was my assumption that S was trying to tell M to give it up and something along the lines of, “just let her be”. In my mind, M was very angry. I told all of my suspicions when N came to check up on me to see if I were okay. She confirmed that there was arguing but M never really hit anything, which was what I assumed happened as well. I remember feeling horrible but not guilty because I knew that I was being honest to myself and that it wasn’t eating inside of me. I wished I knew what happened after but my alarm clock woke me up at 7.45am.

Does this speak of an underlying worry that I have?

So today is Valentines Day. As I was crossing the street to walk into Bobst, I was stopped by a young guy. At first I thought he was gonna ask for directions but it turns out he wanted to wish me a Happy Valentines Day. I had a 5 second pause bc it was so random but I wished him a Valentines day birthday back. It was very sweet of him to do something out of the ordinary. I wonder what it is with me and strangers approaching me. Maybe it’s bc I’m at that age.

Later that day, I went out with my cousins, Diane and Debbie to experimental cocktail bar. The drink that Diane had, pussy galore was delicious. It tasted like melted pancakes. We then met up with Mike later at another bar and he surprised us all with flowers which was very sweet of him to do so.

having breakfast for dinner

a cup of coffee and a pastry

slowly rolling out of bed

smelling your scent on your pillow

warmth of a conversation

laughing at something stupid…with somebody

watching a movie that resonates with yourself

feeling great for no reason at all

I forgot about making resolutions this year. In fact, it didn’t even cross my mind that I should even be making a list. I don’t even see the point in making one right now, it’s not like I end up keeping them throughout the year. I would need a personal secretary trailing me about the promises I made.

I put myself out there today. It made me vulnerable but I was willing to take a chance. However, the scenario wasn’t what I had expected. It stings because I’m being put in limbo. The ball isn’t in my court so to speak. So now I have to wait until it gets returned to me. But how long will it take?

I feel like I’m being put in the corner. :(